Saturday, May 18, 2002

I am a man with a mission. Sherry the vegan is coming over for dinner tonight and I have the perfect menu: Fresh cantalope (cold!), vegetarian eggrolls (hot!), spinich salad, and a concoction of squash (that I GREW), with garlic, real butter and Vidalia onions mixed in. I put new batteries in my charm-emitter, brushed my hair and teeth, then applied manly deodorant to both armpits. I am as ready as any gladiator ever was heading into the arena.

Once I feed her and charm her, Sherry won't know what hit her until she wakes up in my bed in the morning. I just hope she doesn't run screaming through the neighborhood after that.
While the thunder rolls here at my humble home, the bullshit flows in Washington, DC. "Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, New York Democrat, took to the floor of the Senate yesterday to demand that Mr. Bush explain his response to the report received in August, citing a New York newspaper headline that suggested the president knew in advance of the September attacks.
"The President knew what? My constituents would like to know the answers to those questions," Mrs. Clinton said. "Not to blame the President or any American.
" Perhaps she would like a Special Prosecutor assigned to the case. Mrs. Clinton has lots of experience in that particular arena.

Her adorable and faithful husband received similar information in 1999. "According to the report, intelligence experts believed that suicide bombers belonging to a "martyrdom battalion" of bin Laden's al Qaeda network might crash aircraft into various government buildings. The analysts suggested that the attacks could come as possible retribution for air strikes ordered by President Clinton in 1998 against bin Laden's terrorist camps in Afghanistan."

His reaction? "Mr. Clinton yesterday said he knew about the dangerous potential of bin Laden, but discounted the suggestion that the 1999 analysis should have alerted his administration to the possibility of a terrorist attack on the scale of the September 11 attacks. "That has nothing to do with intelligence," Mr. Clinton told the Associated Press while in Hawaii on a two-day stopover on the way to East Timor. "All that says is they used public sources to speculate on what bin Laden might do. That doesn't have anything to do with what the intelligence people, the CIA or the FBI, tell the administration.""

For once, I agree with the horny bastard. If the dim Dems pursue this Cynthia McKinney brain-warp about 9/11, they will bury themselves in the hole they dig. They are the same people who gutted the intelligence community in the first place and they had SERIOUS reasons to fear it when Brother Bill, the unguided phallus, was President. They can't cover up, cover up and cover up for years and then say "We demand the truth!"

Wait a minute. Yes, they can. They are a lot like my ex-wife.

I'll be damned. It's RAINING! I went outside and spread some more grass seed, then just stood there in my sand-spit yard and let Mother Nature soak me. This has been a long time coming. I hear the plants in my garden saying, "Ahhhhh!" I am saying the same thing.
I spent the last thirty minutes trying to paste a picture of MY BROTHER on this post, but I failed miserably. In the picture, he's playing guitar in his rock and roll band and looks REALLY COOL with the sunglasses and the old Gibson electric he PRETENDS to play. Many people say he resembles me greatly, so I thought I would show my two or three fans a hint of what I look like, minus the gray hair. My brother is younger than I am. I am better looking. It's an even swap.

If I ever get the picture to appear, I had better invest in some liability insurance. He's a lawyer and may sue me.

OH, MY GOD! Thanks to that test-taking, evil influence in my life, HEATHER, I just learned that I am 47% GAY!. Whoo-hoo, my ass... uhhhh, that was probably the WRONG comment to make in this situation. I've always been pretty adventure-oriented in my many escapades in the procreative act, but I LIKE GIRLS. I really do. Honest. Just because I go nekkid for a week in Key West doesn't mean that I'm 47% GAY! The TEST is bogus! Besides, I refuse to try homosexuality because I MIGHT LIKE IT and hate myself for spending 50 years of my life chasing worthless women.

I DO have an interesting story about a pool table from back in my musician days... but it's not a GAY STORY!

Friday, May 17, 2002

Here's another one of those occasions where you just have to stand back and marvel at how feral lawyers can be when they don't have a legal leg to stand on, having gnawed them off with their own teeth by taking the case in the first place. "In papers filed in federal court, the lawyers said that charging Mr. Lindh with firearms violations would violate his Second Amendment right "as an individual" to use and possess a firearm. They are seeking the dismissal of a charge that Mr. Lindh used firearms and "destructive devices" in crimes of violence. In a recent filing with the Supreme Court, the Justice Department argued that the Second Amendment conferred a broad right to bear arms."

I own lots of guns, and I'm all for that Second Amendment stuff. But I've never used one of my guns to wage war on my own country as a member of the GODDAMN TALIBAN! I never went to a freaking OSAMA BIN LADEN TRAINING CAMP to learn to shoot them, either. What kind of idiotic defense is THAT? I'm starting to think we should just turn Johnny Nutcake loose and imprison his lawyers. They're more dangerous than HE is.
I did something tonight that I swore that I wasn't going to do. Every time I cruise the blogs and find links to the NEW YORK TIMES, I never open them because the NYT requires REGISTRATION to enter the holy halls of their cathedral. I always looked at the registration page and said "screw you!" I don't need the spam that will come like a plague of locusts if I give YOU my e-mail address. But I saw a link I really, really wanted to read. So, I filled out the registration form. I was punted out of bounds THREE TIMES because the gray old lady evidently has enough people named "Rob Smith" to last her forever. So do most phone books. I finally got in under a pseudonym!. BWHAHAHAHA! I USED MY EX-WIFE'S MAIDEN NAME!!! (not that she has EVER been a maiden at heart, that bloodless cunt)

I think I may have fucked up anyway. They have MY e-mail address. Therefore, I'll likely be besieged by spam all addresssed to my ex-wife. Oh My God! Stop...The...Pain...!

Much debate is circulating around the blogosphere about the "advance warnings" the Bush administration received before the attacks on 9/11. I stick with my original opinion, posted a few blogs below this one, that the Democrats are beating a dead horse here and are bound to sound more like Cynthia McKinney every day if they keep it up. But I don't believe the Bush spokespeople are handling their position well, either.

No President can react wildly to every rumor of an innuendo of an alleged threat he receives in a security report. Nobody ever came to Bush and said, "Mr. President, he have hard evidence that a group of Islamic nutjobs will hijack several airplanes on the morning of September 11 and fly them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. We KNOW this for a fact." And Bush did not say, "Go away, don't bother me. It's time for a nap and my greedy, capitalist supporters stand to make a fortune if that happens."

That's the Cynthia McKinney version of the story, which seems to be embraced by a lot of Democrat politicians and Big Media reporters who should know better. Bill Clinton was a complete, self-aggrandizing shitheel, but not even HE would have neglected that sort of warning. "They're gonna do WHAT? I can't let that happen. It'll make ME look bad and ruin MY LEGACY (Monica, honey, get out from under the desk right now. I need to think with the big head for a minute. But don't you go far now, hear?) Okay! Assemble a focus group, get me Dick Morris and run a poll. We meet in the War Room when the results are in and Dick'll tell me what to do. No, dammit, not THAT DICK! DICK MORRIS, for crying out loud. What do you people think I am anyway?"

Okay, that's my humorous riff, so I'll become serious now.

Claiming that what happened on 9/11 was inconceivable is hogwash. Tom Clancey wrote about something similar years ago, so the idea of using airliners as suicide torpedos is not an original concept. So, don't call it inconceivable. It was not, and still is not. But we never would have culled the terrorists at airport screening, because we don't cull young, Arab, Islamic terrorist-looking types NOW, after 9/11, for fear of being accused of "racial profiling." Hell, VODKAPUNDIT had to submit to scrutiny THREE TIMES on a flight to his grandmother's funeral, and I really don't believe he fits the standard image of a guy willing to hijack anything other than the beverage cart on an airplane.

Don't tell me Bush should have done something to stop 9/11 based on the flimsy evidence he had beforehand. AFTER 9/11 we're not doing enough to stop it from happening again. We're harrassing a lot of people, generating a lot of sound and fury, and accomplishing very little. And dorkles such as Cynthia McKinney would be the first ones to scream "racism!" if we actually did target people who fit the profile of murderous hijackers.

The Bush administration should stick with the unvarnished truth, which is this: we did not have enough concrete evidence to justify a major action by the federal government in response to the kind of vague threats we receive every day, which almost always prove to be false. In hindsight, we wish the evidence had been more solid, that more details had been available, and more certainty could have been attributed to the report. But none of that information was confirmed at the time, and we simply could not justify the sort of action responding to this rumor would require.

I don't believe US citizens would be comfortable with a government that grounded airplanes and shut down business across the country every time we thought there MIGHT POSSIBLY be a potential threat SOMEWHERE. Nobody can live like that, least of all US citizens.

I saw a great bumper sticker on the back of a pickup truck today: NUKE THEIR ASS AND TAKE THEIR GAS. Yeah. Let's go KILL THEM before they have a chance to kill us again.
I become really depressed when I read a piece as good, as finely crafted and as razor-blade sharp as THIS ONE. When dingbat-at-large Cynthia McKinney first opened her cavernous mouth and exposed the complete absence of nasal cavities and brains in her upper skull, I went into attack mode and wrote what I believed to be most eloquent screeds about what an ignoramus she is. I was proud of those posts. Now I want to erase them and cry, "I AM NOT WORTHY!"

Yes, Cynthia McKinney is STILL an idiot. And Jonah Goldberg says it better than I did.
I may be only 41% worshipable, but I am 71% AMERICAN WARBIRD! according to THIS TEST. I really thought, given my jockish background, that I would score somewhere in the neighborhood of 110%, but I believe the "fake punch" question really torpedoed my score.
I will not say how many of THESE ATTRIBUTES I exhibit, but I will confess to MORE THAN ONE. You guess which. (thanks to a link I stole from JB) Savann... my ass.

I DO have a very interesting story about a pool table from back in my musician days...
It really SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA at the time. Brilliant minds in the Federal Government got together and decided that what this country seriously needed was a $1 coin that people would like a lot better than the failed Susan B. Anthony model. After much thought and contemplation about who should be on the coin to inspire Americans to WANT IT DESPERATELY, to CRAVE FEELING IT JINGLE IN THEIR POCKETS, to really IDENTIFY WITH IT, they chose Sacagawea, a person most people never heard of.

I went to public school back in the dark ages, when they actually taught history instead of politically-correct culture studies, so I know that Sacagawea was an indian maiden who served as a guide for Lewis and Clark on part of their expedition to survey the Lousiana Purchase. I don't know why that deed qualifies her for the kind of immortality usually reserved for dead Presidents, but some nitwits thought it did. I also know that NOBODY has a clue what she looked like, so how can HER VISAGE appear on our $1 coin? As is done so frequently in revising history today, a bunch of idiots just MADE IT UP the way they wanted it to be.

How well is this bright idea flying with the public? "The Mint ended fiscal year 2001 with about 324 million Sacagawea dollar coins in storage, according to a report by the Treasury Department's inspector general." Most people have no use for a dollar coin to begin with. Coins take up too much room in pockets and purses, and bills simply are much more user-friendly. So, if you're going to attempt to sell the public something it really doesn't want in the first place, why adorn it with a fake picture of a very minor figure in American history? Does the term "politically correct culture studies" ring a bell? (It should, because I WROTE IT in the previous paragraph) The Sacagawea was an idea that FELT GOOD. Unfortunately, that didn't make it a GOOD IDEA.

''My contention is this is a failure,'' declared Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D., who said he has never received a Sacagawea dollar coin in change." No kidding.

Put HIS PICTURE on the next coin!
I am going to caress one of my many guns while I read THIS STORY. I first saw Rosie O'Donnell doing stand-up on Comedy Central almost ten years ago. I didn't think she was funny then, and since she became famous hosting an insipid television talk show, I believe she really sucks now. To me, Rosie always radiated the aura of a hostile, malignant troll. I thought she managed an excellent giggle when she played Betty Rubble in the Flintstones movie, but the REAL Betty was a hot little number for a cartoon babe. In my twisted mind, I always pictured Betty and Barney getting it on in some really prehistoric, caveman sex from time to time. I saw Rosie in the movie and thought only of a brontosarus in the bedroom.

You know who should have played Betty Rubble? Terri Garr in a brunette wig. I've had the hots for her ever since I saw her in the original STAR TREK episode where she played Gary Seven's befuddled secretary when the Enterprise went back in time to the 1960s. I'll bet Captain Kirk nailed her, too.

But I digress...

David Letterman can be a really caustic guy sometimes, but I always believe that the smart-ass Letterman is a persona he assumes for his show that camoflages a pretty nice guy underneath. With Rosie, I always formed the opposite impression. She fakes the niceties while a seething cauldron of hate, spite and anger boils just beneath the surface. She showed her true colors (and her LARGE, UNATTRACTIVE ASS) in her confrontations with Tom Sellick and Charlton Heston over gun control. That was the REAL Rosie on display. I remain amazed that so many people WANT to watch that dispicable woman on television.

She's leaving now, and I say, "good riddance." Give her another Emmy, too, as long as she promises to stay gone.

It's nice to know that some police departments are really DOING THEIR JOBS. I once read that Wisconsin has the highest number of obese people per capita of any state in the union. Wisconsin also consumes more brandy per capita than any other state. When the adipose Gestapo manages to pass anti-obesity laws (and we seem to be headed that way), will Wisconsin police enforce them against the numerous fat drunks in their state just as zealously as they do anti-smoking ordinances?

Thursday, May 16, 2002

Okay, COP3! I can see by your cheesy comment that you DO NOT read this blog regularly, even though YOU TELL ME YOU DO, which is understandable because you are a lawyer, and therefore a trained liar. I provided this test of WORSHIPABILITY over a week ago, and if you READ THIS BLOG YOU WOULD ALREADY HAVE TAKEN THE TEST AND SCORED ZERO!!!!!

I agree with The Fair One. 41% worshipable is better than a lawyer.
HA! I harvested the first bounty from my garden today. I picked three very lovely squash, and have about a dozen more that will be ripe within a day or two. Most of the okra survived the tree-rat assaults. I have blooming flowers and small okra-buds on most of the plants, even though they won't REALLY start to produce until the hottest part of the summer. The tomatoes went from yellow blossoms to ping-pong ball sized green fruit almost overnight. The cucumbers are covered with blossoms and sending out runners to all points of the compass. The corn is dark green and growing faster than the nasty bahaia grass that suddenly appeared a few days ago.

I also have a lot of wild blackberry vines growing all around my house, and they enjoy the fertilizer and water I provide for the garden. They are sending runners from all over to investigate the natives, and I believe some of the hornier envoys are trying to mate with my cucumbers. The end result of THAT may be something I want to parade before Congress as they debate cloning.
I wonder if SCOTT GANZ will read THIS STORY and still rant and rave about the evils of greedy Big Corporations. He never really got the point of my side of our flame-war the other evening. The greediest, most fearful, evil, money-Hoovering entity in the country is BIG GOVERNMENT. California has theirs. Now they've got to pay for it. And it ain't gonna be pretty.

But, as I told Scott, you people ELECTED the ASSHOLES who did this to you. You'll probably REELECT THEM AGAIN! So just get some cheese to go with your whine.

My favorite Senator, The Honorable Zell Miller is sticking to his guns. He's right, too. Cynthia McKinney IS a nut.
If you are one of the people shocked, SHOCKED, MIND YOU, that Bush "ignored" warnings about the 9/11 attacks, just simmer down a bit. It could be a lot worse. We could still have THIS PRICK in charge.
The Democrats will huff and puff and fan THIS MINOR SPARK as vigorously as they can, but it will never make the fire they crave. In a day or two, even the smoke will have disappeared, just the way the Enron "scandal" did. At least this exhibition of Monday morning quarterbacking diverts the same shameless suspects from the Air Force One fund-raising picture and directs their bombastic efforts elsewhere. That's a relief, because if there is one thing I truly cannot stand, it is a Democrat politician bobbing neck-deep in a cesspool while piously proclaiming to occupy the moral high ground.

"A CIA spokesman said the agency routinely passed on intelligence citing the possibility that al Qaeda might be planning to hijack an airliner as part of a terrorist action against the United States."

What do those hockwads think Bush should have done, given this information? If the President had read the memo, gone on national TV and said, "I have here in my hand a report that suggests that we may face the possibility of a potential terrorist attack that might involve highjacking airliners. Based on the unlikely assumption that everything in the report is true, unlike hundreds of others that ARE NOT TRUE that I receive every day, I am declaring martial law in the United States, evacuating the World Trade Center and grounding all airplane flights over or around our national air space until this rumor can be confirmed," people would have believed that HE WAS CRAZY! And he would have been to do such a stupid thing.

Evidently, his Democrat critics expect to make an AN ELECTION-YEAR POLITICAL ISSUE out of the fact that Bush DID NOT act stupidly at the time. Desperate people sometimes do desperate things. They also say stupid things, too.

" Sen. Barbara Boxer of California, among a number of Democrats who demanded to know if the United States had enough information to head off the attacks, scoffed at the suggestion politics were behind her party's questions.
"Sniff of politics? We want a sniff of truth," Boxer said. "Why didn't we (Congress) know about this a lot sooner."

Smells like a pile of shit to me.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Just a quick note to "GEN, THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR," who actually left a comment for me. You asked certain questions about the name of my site. Maybe other people are curious, too. I'll explain. GUT RUMBLES is what I call a fire in the belly that makes me want to write. I like the title. I also always wanted to play lead guitar in a rock and roll band by that name. "Monsterman" is the position I played on my high school football team. It's a combination strongside linebacker and strong safety that some college teams still use today. "Acidman" has nothing to do with illegal drugs. I once supervised the operation of a 900-ton per day sulfuric acid plant and that was my password when computers first hit the manufacturing scene. I liked "Acidman" then, and I like it now. My absolute. real, non-made-up name is Rob Smith. Yes, Rob Smith. I started this blog under a pseudonym (carefully selected from my life experiences) because I have worked for 22 years for a pretty straight-laced chemical manufacturer and I wasn't sure at first that I wanted anybody at work reading it. Some of what I write is pretty whiny and self-pitiful. I didn't want to advertise that shit. I was pretty down and out when I started this site. I still get that way sometimes, but it's not as bad as it once was.

Plus. when your name is "Rob Smith," you really need something a little more imaginative to stand out in the crowd, and the blogosphere is crowded nowadays. Where I live, there are 23 Robert Smiths in the phone book, and I'M NOT LISTED. I really ought to write about some of the interesting phone calls I receive from people looking for somebody else.

I no longer care who reads this blog or who knows I write it. I have friends I may never meet in person that I know through this blog (yeah, JEFF AND HEATHER) and I wouldn't trade 'em for anything. I can truthfully say that doing this probably saved my life. I was REALLY down and out not long ago.

But I like the conversations I have on the net every day. I like being "Acidman," the blogger.

Now, maybe you know a little more than before about why. Hmmm... one other question... are you REALLY the fairest? Wanna go to Lake Tahoe this winter? I'm single. I have money. I'm really a charming, chivalrous Southern Gentleman. I even grow my own food in my back yard.

But I'm only 41% worshipable....and I binge-drink white zinfandel... naw, never mind.
MAYBE I can solicit a comment from THIS NEWFOUND READER who left me a comment on my old, woefully-outdated guestbook, which I sneer at now that I have a modern, post-by-post comments box at the bottom of every new entry to my blog. Heather has given me wings or ultimate humiliation. In about a week I'll know for sure which is which. I'll either send her roses or burn her house down and leave a pipe-bomb in the mailbox. I really don't believe that I can intimidate that woman. She's already WRECKED HER CAR in a most exquisite fashion, (DAMN! I can't get the "shortcut" link to go straight to the wreck story, so you'll just have to read A LOT OF HER BLOG until you arrive at the right place. I'm sorry, but you WON'T BE) and lived not only to tell the tale, but blog about it, too. Pictures, incredibly FRIGHTENING pictures, are included on this link. Be careful. Don't let the children watch.

But I'll tell DAX that a deal is a deal. You linked me, and I'll do the same. But man, I tended bar once upon a time and you've got to decide whether you want to seriously persue a blog, or stay out late every night, live vampire hours, enjoy a grand variety of "feminine companionship," and give not a shit whether the sun comes up in the morning. I know at your age, this is a difficult decision. You may have to think all of ONE NANOSECOND to make up your mind.

Yeah. Fuck the blog. I wish I could trade places with you.
I believe I predicted this a few months ago, and if I weren't busy binge-drinking white zinfandel wine right now, I would search through my archives and link to my own sweet 41% worshipable self about the post I wrote back then. Congress is ON THE CASE of binge-drinking college students like a horny dog humping a strange leg. Yes, Congress is holding hearings where slobbering tongues wag, Senatorial hips move in blind, prehistoric responses to procreate their power, and the song "YMCA" plays over and over in my head. I wish those assholes wouldn't do that. Just read this:

"ON A BINGE [Dave Kopel]
Today the full Senate Governmental Affairs Committee is holding a hearing titled , "Under the Influence: The Binge Drinking Epidemic on College Campuses." Not that Congress has any legitimate constitutional power over the subject -- as the Twenty-first Amendment (repealing the grant of Congressional power over alcohol) makes clear. The witnesses consist exclusively of supporters and instigators of the current moral panic about college drinking. The hearing is obviously a platform for expanding federal pork to pay for more "counselors" and other neo-prohibitionist busybodies on college campuses. The alleged statistics about "college binge drinking" are, as I detailed, in a Rocky Mountain News column, utterly bogus. Among other flaws, these statistics define "binge drinking" in such an absurdly broad way as to encompass people who aren't legally intoxicated or impaired. By the neo-prohibitionist definition, a woman who attends a three-hour Passover Seder and drinks the ritual Four Cups of wine is a "binge drinker." The real binging problem involves power-intoxicated bureaucrats and politicians who can't resist the temptation to intrude themselves into matters which, for federal officials, are none of their business."

What more can I say? I'm going to have another glass of wine.
Oh, SHIT! I just realized that when I attached the "comments" thingy to my page, it went back and left a "comments" box on everything I've written on this blog so far! THEY ALL SHOW ZERO COMMENTS!

My God, Heather, what did you do to me? If I look at GUT RUMBLES tomorrow and nobody has a single comment about a single post, I may as well quit writing this drivel and go stick my head in the nearest McDonald's deep-fat fryer. If THAT doesn't fry my brain (some people suggest that I accomplished that feat a long time ago), I'll at least drown and leave this life with a small shred of my dignity intact. I HAVE BEEN HUNG OUT TO DRY!

MOM! If you love me (yeah, I know that's difficult after some of the crap I've done), make up a lot of different names and hit the "comment" box at the bottom of my posts. Make your comments about 75% positive, 15% neutral and about 10% absolutely belly-scalding hate-mail. Try to change the level of diction, misspell a few words here and there and assume an alternate identity every time. It'll WORK, trust me.

Let me show you what to do. See... I am going to MAKE UP a cyber-identity and leave a comment to MYSELF here. Read it. You would never guess it was ME in a gazillion years. Hell, who do you think wrote ALL THE COMMENTS in my "Guestbook," anyway?
I vote Republican, but I sometimes do it holding my nose. The Democrat party may as well be honest and make their slogan "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need," which is what they stand for today. The Republicans may as well be honest, too, and declare that "smaller government" means controlling people's lives according to OUR rules, and redistributing wealth to people who will vote FOR US. I don't like either party, but I figure the Republicans will do me less harm and take a longer time doing it. They are the lesser of two evils.

I have never asked for nor received a check from my government, except for a tax refund, and that was MY GODDAM MONEY to begin with. I don't want government to pave a smooth path for me to tred, nor to protect me from myself. I can do that just fine on my own, thank you. I don't want government to pay for my prescription drugs (unless they want to suspend the piss-test rules where I work and give me all the Ecstacy, codiene, LSD, percoset, amphetamines and marijuana I can possibly consume to keep me happy with government for the rest of my life) and I don't want a piece of shit return on my investment such as Social Security provides in my retirement years.

I just want those incessant pests to leave me alone. That's a goal becoming more difficult to achieve every day.
At the risk of repeating myself, I REPEAT MYSELF by asking: When a government program falls flat on its ass, politicians and bureaucrats never fire anybody, disband the program or admit that they failed. No, they ask for more money, promise to REINVENT THE PROGRAM and swear that better central management from Washington, DC will make it fly like an eagle this time. We buy this horseshit over and over again.

A dog has more sense than most American taxpayers. Let a dog piss on an electric fence one time, and he WILL NEVER DO IT TWICE! Once burnt, twice learnt, for a dog. But We The People never seem to get the message. We just agree to higher fences, more electricity and a stronger jolt when we piss on it again. And again.

J. Edgar Hoover may have been a cross-dressing fairy who wore a tu-tu to bed every night (although I doubt that urban legend seriously), but he ran the FBI in a way that made it a true class act and one of the best crime-fighting organizations in the world under his management. It's gone terribly downhill since his death. Louis Freed might have had some good ideas, but he was stampeeded by Janet Reno and the Clinton Justice Department. That's when the FBI became a useless government bureaurcay instead of an elite crime-fighting unit. And I don't know that the damage can be undone.

How many political worms still infest that garden? Right now, we obviously have TOO MANY, and I don't believe any government reorganization has the testicular fortitude to exterminate them. If we create a "SUPER FBI" now, we will have a lot of the same incompetents holding the same jobs they have now, a lot of individual rights trampled (That's the EASY way to show you're doing a good, thuggish job), more harassment of citizens who prefer to be left alone by Big Government (they're the EASY ones to catch), and NO SIGNIFICANT increase in security as a result (that's DIFFICULT, even if IT IS the job you set out to do). We will learn to fear the government more than we do the terrorists, and I do NOT want to find myself there.

I fear the government enough already.
BWHAHAHAH! It WORKS! I now have a COMMENT box at the end of every post! Now, ALL FOUR of my readers can vent their spleens about my rantings without using that cheesy "Guestbook" I've had for so long. HA! And my cyber-darlin' HEATHER had the nerve to call me LAZY in an e-mail because I didn't install it YESTERDAY!

Well, she's kinda right about the lazy part, because she DID tell me how to do it a few days ago, and I didn't. I THOUGHT a lot about it, and I REALLY MEANT to, but I figured I would screw it up because it looked a lot more difficult than it proved to be. Girl, just because I am a mere 41% worshipable doesn't mean that I am TOTALLY WORTHLESS. I have about 41% worth in me somewhere. I usually just can't find it.

Not many other people can, either...

But I have "COMMENTS" now!
Hello, boys and girls. My name is Mr. Rogers and welcome to my neighborhood. Can you say "neighborhood?" I KNEW you could. What I have to show you today is a picture of our President, Mr. George W. Bush, on the President's VERY BIG airplane, a very SPECIAL airplane, called Air Force One. See the picture? Our President is talking on the telephone, and if you look at the expression on his face, you can see that he is VERY SERIOUS. He is serious because a VERY BAD THING happened in America, and he had to decide what to do about it, just like Mommie and Daddy are always there to decide what to do when bad things happen in YOUR neighborhood. Isn't it nice to know that somebody always is there when bad things happen?

Now, here is a picture of a bunch of really ugly, nasty people. They are called Democrat Politicians. Can you say "Democrat Politicians?" You can't? Good! Because if you did, Mr. Rogers would have to wash your gap-toothed little mouths out with soap. These people really are LIZARDS! Listen to them hiss:
"Former vice president and Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore called the solicitation ''disgraceful.'' Boys and girls, can you say "Bhuddist Temple Fundraiser?" Can you say, "White House Teas?" You can't? That's okay. Democrat lizards can't speak of it those things, either.

"Democratic Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe said using the photo was ''nothing short of grotesque'' and demanded a halt to its use. Can you say "Lincoln Bedroom Sleepovers?" Can you say "Monica Lewinski?" I didn't think so. Democrat lizards can't say those things, either.

"Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash., chairwoman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, called for the GOP to give the proceeds to charity." Can you say "Huge sums of money contributed illegally by the Red Chinese?" I didn't think so. Can you say "stonewall, deny and lie?" Okay, maybe you can. Now, can you say "John Glenn?"

Most important of all, can you say "hypocrite?"

I tried something new for this post, and if it works, you can discover how to do it HERE.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

When environmentalists set out to save the fragile planet and rescue endangered species, they sometimes run into the worst enemy they could imagine: MOTHER NATURE. Fish attempting to return from the sea to their spawning grounds on the Podunk River may have needed a fish ladder to get there, but rampaging, polluting, heartless, corporate-greed-ridden BEAVERS, in one of the most environmentally-hostile actions ever seen on the Podunk River, built DAMS in their way. Now the environmentalists have to stand aside, watch the helpless fish in their futile efforts to return home, and let the beavers own the river.

"Beavers have few natural predators, and one breeding pair can produce 600 offspring," Folger said. "They feed on saplings and nutrients from trees and build their dams for protection."

Beavers are North America's largest rodent; some grow to 75 pounds. Near the dams they will build a round hut made of sticks, where they live and feed. Their habitats, essential to the ecosystem, support various species of plants, insects and birds.

But if left unchecked, beavers can seriously damage woodlands.

Ain't nature grand?
Why did I include the FBI on my list of incompetent government entities? Because it DESERVES TO BE THERE.
Here's a VERY INTERESTING link I found on the Professor's page. From the reading I've done and the conversations I've had with both WWII combat veterans and civilians who lived through those times, I have no doubt that a poison gas attack against the Japanese would have enjoyed overwhelming support in the US if it ended the war. People of my generation have never known a war such as that one, and I'm not certain we have the stomach to fight one today. It's a horrible equation to solve, but when the death toll from "honorable" warfare results in millions of deaths more than would the cold-blooded extermination of the enemy, then cold-blooded extermination is the morally-correct choice.

We may face a similar choice in the War on Terrorism. How will we handle it?
As the War on Drugs continues to wallow in a quagmire, even Drug Czar John P. Walters admits that the government's latest and greatest weapon, a five-year $929 million ad campaign aimed at children, has not only been a miserable failure at keeping kids off drugs but may have encouraged some kids to try marijuana. What do we do now? CONTINUE FUNDING THE PROGRAM, of course!

"The five-year-old antidrug program is unusual among public-health advertising because it is funded largely by taxpayers — $929 million so far — rather than nonprofit groups or public service spots that media outlets run free of charge. Moreover, Congress enacted an unusual law requiring TV networks, cable outlets, magazines and other media to donate an equal amount of ad space for each ad purchase, effectively doubling the impact of the government dollars. (Emphasis mine. I have some serious Big Brother issues about that part of the program.)

The antidrug effort is now up for reauthorization for an additional five years. At a time when plenty of government programs are seeking funding, Mr. Walters wants Congress to appropriate for next fiscal year the same $180 million it gave to the campaign this year, though he argues it will be managed more efficiently. He spent much of Monday afternoon placing calls to U.S. lawmakers, national nonprofit organizations and other players in the war on drugs to argue that while the effort has failed to achieve its goals, it deserves continued support."

When government implements an expensive, beautiful-sounding program that fall flat on its ass, the problem is NEVER the fact that program itself is a hare-brained idea. No, politicians and bureaucrats know that with a little more funding and more efficient management (something the government is REKNOWNED for) the hare-brained idea will WORK, dammit. That's why we have the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, Amtrak, the US Post Office, the US Department of (un)Education, HUD, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the FBI, the Immigration and Naturalization Service and a host of other government entities that are woefully inefficient, totally corrupt or downright incompetent receiving more tax dollars to squander every year.

Why don't we just establish a US Department of Raking Tax Dollars into Large Piles and Setting Them on Fire? We might get our money's worth out of THAT one, because it might actually build an occasional fire instead of just totally wasting the money.
Hah! I finally got the link to work to the story about METAL STORM. That thing is the MOTHER OF ALL GUNS!

Monday, May 13, 2002

Would somebody please tell this idiot to SHUT UP AND PAY HIS LAWYERS? I am a mere 41% worshipable. How would you score Bill Clinton?
I am going to try ONE MORE TIME to link to the article about the new "Metal Storm" gun that can fire 1,000,000 rounds per minute from 36 barrels with no moving parts except the bullets. (That's why the military made the sudden decision to junk the "Crusader" artillery platform. Build a couple of "Metal Storms," and you don't need no stinking Crusader) Never mind. The link won't work and I can't backdoor it from Google, either. But this is one BADASS GUN, invented by a clever individual in Australia. It also can be programmed to fire grenades from 40 multiple-stage mortar ports so that it can lay them down five yards apart over a two-mile long, 100-meter wide strip in less than sixty seconds, setting them all to explode simultaneously. I saw the article on DRUDGE when I got home today, but the damned thing won't open again. This incredible weapon could make a footsoldier think twice about enlistment. It makes ME think that the Super Wal-Mart in Rincon ought to sell a consumer version.

I WANT one of those babies.
Yeah, JB, I agree entirely. Janet Reno cares a lot about children (she is, after all, the mother of... NONE) and she worried so much about possible child abuse in Waco that she BURNED THEM ALL to save them from a fate worse than death. We'll never know if living in the Branch Davidian compound was really a fate worse than death, because Reno sent in the tanks and killed all the children before they could tell their horror stories, but I am certain she did the right thing. As the father of an eight year-old boy, I know I would rather see my government burn my child alive than allow him to suffer alleged abuse. That ALLEGED abuse is some frightening stuff. ACTUAL death by fire is a lot better. It's not all that quick and painless, but you can sweep the remains up with a whisk broom and bury your child in a cigar box, just before the government sends you to jail for 20 years for surviving the merciless assault.

Am I the only person who noticed that the Israelis took more precautions to spare innocent lives in their assault on Jenin, which was a legitimate hive of terrorists, than Janet Reno did in her assault on the Branch Davidian Complex?

I suppose I shouldn't go there. Janet Reno drives a red pickup truck. She can't be all bad, can she? Sure, many innocent people still rot in Florida jails because of her persecutions when she was Attorney General of that state, and she burned a lot of children alive after Hillary picked her for the top legal job in the nation. The Elian Gonzales affair was pretty ugly, too, but SHE DRIVES A RED PICKUP TRUCK. All by herself.

Cut her some slack. Elect Janet Reno, one sick woman, governor of Florida. Do it for the children.
Why do some former Presidents find it so difficult to heed Douglas McArthur's advice about old soldiers and simply fade away? I can understand Bill Clinton keeping his red nose stuffed in other people's business because the egomaniacal creep truly believes the sun rises and sets in his fat ass. Besides, Clinton at least managed to govern for eight years without fucking up the entire country. He did a real number on his personal life and his precious "legacy," but he didn't send the country swirling down the commode with him, thanks largely to a Republican Congress that would not allow him to.

But Jimmy Carter? Good grief! Does HE remember the "malaise" that sucked the spirit out of this country while HE was in charge? Does he remember how Iran rubbed our noses in shit under HIS watch? Does HE remember that half-assed "hostage rescue" attempt where our helicopters crashed in the desert hundreds of miles from their destination because HE gutted military spending? Does THAT GRINNING, BOAR-TOOTHED PRICK remember how the ship of state spun adrift with his hand on the tiller?

I suppose not. Jimmy The Great is in CUBA busily kissing Fidel Castro's ass while the rest of America is seriously waging war on an Axis of Evil. Fidel's little fiefdom 90 miles off our coast should have been named along with North Korea, Iraq and Iran as deadly flesh-eating bacteria on the face of our planet, but he is such a small fart in a big, evil windstorm that Bush probably thought him unworthy of mention. But I'll bet Fidel is on the short list our government keeps for the truly evil in the world.

So, Jimmy choses THIS MOMENT to go visit that bearded Maximum Leader. I look at the situation, and I have to ask myself one question: Who does that dork think he is? Jimmy, you SUCKED as President. You took the strongest nation on the face of the planet and made us a laughing stock in the eyes of the world when you were in charge. Hell, I SAW YOU GOVERN MY BELOVED STATE OF GEORGIA, and you couldn't handle THAT job. When YOU were President, I had a Visa Card with 19.5% interest on it, and I could borrow money on that card LOWER THAN THE PRIME RATE at the time. Ronald Reagan spent his first two years in office cleaning up the mess YOU made of it. Thank the powers that watch over us that Reagan came along when he did.

Jimmy, go back to Plains, Georgia, and grow peanuts. Go to South America and build Habitat For Humanity houses. Do something you're actually GOOD AT. But get the fuck out of Cuba and get the fuck out of the newspapers. We don't need your help right now. We didn't need it when YOU WERE PRESIDENT, for crying out loud. Do the nation a favor and just go away.

The older he gets, the more I see the Dorian Gray in Jimmy Carter. But it's not the painting that shows the evil and the dissipation while the man himself remains beautiful. It's seeping out of Jimmy himself now. The grin is more vulpine, the eyes more serpent-like, the wrinkles more pronounced, the skin sagging, like moldy growth on a rotten tree. I never voted for that man a single time in his political career. I don't want him being a self-appointed representative for me now.

Whatta maroon.
Thanks to the wonderful folks at LIBERTARIAN SAMIZDATA, I found a link to a site that specializes in crawling the seamy sewers and the Dempsey Dumpsters of the web. It's a dirty job, finding the really sick and kinky stories out there, but SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT and this fellow does it well. I'll warn RED SOX DUDE (whose team LOST last night) to stay the hell away from that link, because you and your rhino-in-a-thong may go in and never come out again. By the way, HEATHER, that site is not for you, either. You are far too ladylike and sophisticated to be besmirched by exposure to stories such as THIS ONE about a prostitute's revenge on a Bill-Clinton-type client who attempted to stiff her then... well, STIFF HER.

No, it takes a 41% worshipable ex-jock to appreciate gems like THAT on the web, and it takes a mind totally poisoned by chemicals from guitar strings to consider the stiffer incredibly lucky that he lost only a piece of a finger in the episode. She could have amputated another appendage...

Those who know me well would probably agree with the results of THIS TEST. I may be only 41% worshipable, but I blew the doors off the JOCK-O-METER for my high school stereotype. Bah! Disagree and I'll root you in the dirt!
Bill Clinton is touring the world, Hoovering cash at maximum vacuum on the rubber-chicken circuit to the tune of well over $20 million, including advances for an unwritten book that he probably NEVER WILL write. Is it any surprise that he continues to STIFF HIS LAWYERS for the paltry few million he owes them for defending his sorry ass during the many scandals he got himself into? He drained his Legal Defense Fund of about $7.7 million of other people's money, then just stopped paying. Even out of office, he continues to preside over the most (un)ethical administration in American history with the same shamelessness he displayed as President.

Whatta man.
The weather report suggests that we have a remote chance of the possible likelihood of potential rain this evening. If I had the energy, I would race outside and wash my truck just to increase the chances. I am living in the new Dust Bowl. Let it rain!

Sunday, May 12, 2002

Whew! The last two posts drip with bitter venom. Did I write those? Yes, I did.

I hate Sunday nights.
I finally got around to opening my weekend mail. I have a notice from my urologist reminding me that I blew off my six-month checkup in April and I need to reschedule IMMEDIATELY. I am not going to do that. I am content to let the chips fall where they may now. If I am cured of prostate cancer, I don't need to go see that butcher again. If I am NOT cured of prostate cancer, I STILL don't need to go see that butcher again, because I will not submit to the kind of treatment he offers. The medical community has enjoyed the last shot they will ever take at this Cracker's ass.

If I had it all to do over again, I would never let them take a knife to me in the first place.
The bloodless cunt ex-wife picked up my son at 11:30 this morning. She was supposed to pick him up at 9:00, so THEY COULD GO TO CHURCH TOGETHER, but my son called and asked for more time with me. She granted the request, then drove up in her really cool sports car at 11:30, picked up my son, his bicycle and all his other stuff, then went back "home" to her dope-smoking, unemployed lover.

I really appreciate the fact that my ex-wife has a streak of religion running through her now. After giving her pussy away through both pants legs while we were married, she has seen the light. After throwing me out of the house and moving her dope-smoking, unemployed lover into our bed the next day, she has found Jesus. You GO TO CHURCH, GIRL!. That way, you can project the image you want people to see instead of the rotten actuality of your true, sickening, slutty self.

Then come to my home, pick up my son and his bicycle and go back to your unemployed, dope-smoking lover. Yeah, you have been washed in the blood of the lamb.

You've been dipped in shit, is more like it. Whatta cunt.
What are we teaching our children in school today? We're certainly not teaching them HISTORY, because three-fourths of high school seniors don't know shinola about it. If they skipped school and watched the Disney channel every day they would have more knowledge of history than our certified, unionized teachers are giving them.

I remember my education as being an ongoing process of having the accumulated wisdom of mankind pounded into my head, mostly against my will. But the wisdom-pounders were relentless, and an "F" grade on a test led to severe consequences at home. My parents were real woolyboogers about insisting that I not only ATTEND school every day, but LEARN while I was there. Yes, they were cruel and abusive in their maniacal insistence that I absorb an education whether I wanted one or not.

Things have changed since then. Now, students are learning that BEING STUPID is perfectly okay, as long as you are following a zero-tolerance, no-exceptions rule. People who should be teaching children TO THINK have become the ultimate bureaucrats in an inflexable system that discourages thought.

"(Changing the rules) allows students to get around a safety-driven policy if they have the means to hire an attorney and come into court," she added. "The school district as a policy is not comfortable making changes on a case-by-case basis." Did you ever hear such unmitigated, brainless flapdoodle in your life? As a person often subjected to the Dilbertesque aspects of working for a large corporation, I recognize the KEY WORDS in that statement.

1) "Safety-driven policy" A decision made by a committee rife with "cover-your-ass" mentality. Number One priority: aviod lawsuits. Number Two priority: duck responsibility. Number Three priority: safety.

2) "The school district as a policy" Oh, gag me! Just go read #1 again.

3) "is not comfortable" read: scared shitless about making a decision.

4) "making changes on a case-by-case basis" read: scared shitless about making a decision and resorting to pompous language to camoflage a pure "cover-your-ass" mentality.

No, that case-by-case scenario might involve some judgment, and if THAT happens, somebody might actually have to accept RESPONSIBILITY. As educators, charged with the task of giving children the necessary tools to make responsible decisions in their adult lives, these people lead by example. Who, me? I didn't MAKE the rule, I just enforce it. I'm only doing my job. My hands are tied. Blah, blah, blah.

These nitwits WANT their hands tied, and if a committee doesn't do it for them, they will buy rope and tie their hands themselves. They are professional cowards. They are spineless jellyfish and they are supposed to be teaching our children how to be responsible adults. They are our educators, and THEY are not responsible adults.

They make me want to puke.

I am not certain what to think about THIS UNUSUAL FEMALE. "The woman's story began to unravel soon after Jones' arrest as witnesses started coming forward saying they saw Pate without Jones just days prior to his arrest. Jones told Bobbitt that Pate could have left him at any time.". My only question is, why did HE put up with HER for so long?
Jesse Jackson may be laying the groundwork for another shakedown operation. He's IN THE HOSPITAL complaining of muscle pain after an auto accident.

I can see it now... From the hospital to the chiropractor, then Jesse in a neck brace, in court to sue the crap out of some Allstate policy holder. It wouldn't surprise me a bit.